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The Ken Kaniff Show
The ken kaniff show.jpg
Mixtape by Aristotle, Ken Kaniff
Released 2002
Genre Horrorcore
Length 46:51
Stream DatPiff
viewedittalk

Ken Kaniff is a recurring character in the Eminem universe (Eminem's songs) who is a rather creepy and perverted MAP individual who typically makes an appearance midway or towards the end of Eminem's albums, typically making everyone present run for the door or question their sanity. It is only fitting that Ken got his own album. He also makes an appearance on The Slim Shady LP, The Marshall Mathers LP, The Eminem Show ("Curtains Close"), Relapse + Relapse: Refill ("Underground"), and The Marshall Mathers LP 2 ("Evil Twin," "Wicked Ways" (Deluxe)).

Track List[]

The Ken Kaniff Show
TRACK LIST TITLE LENGTH
1. "Call Em" (Skit) 1:21
2. "Buy U A Beer"   4:00
3. "Ken Is Krazy"   3:52
4. "Super Ken"   3:02
5. "Dotcom"   3:48
6. "Wanna Be" (Skit) 0:51
7. "Kreep Wit Me"   2:53
8. "Palmela Handerson"   2:46
9. "Babysitter"   4:04
10. "Karolyn"   4:24
11. "Perfect Mix"   3:24
12. "Boy is Mine"   4:39
13. "Vato"   3:22
14. "Without You"   4:25
Gagapedia

Lyrics[]

"Call Em (Skit)"[]

"Call Em" is the first track on The Ken Kaniff Show. It is also the same track as the skit titled "Ken Kaniff" on The Slim Shady LP from 1999. In "Call Em", Ken makes a collect call -- where the recipient (i.e. Eminem in this case) pays for the call being made -- asking Eminem to engage in sexual intercourse with him.

Ken: Call this motherfucker

Ken: Oh fuck yeah. Give 'em a piece of my mind a piece of my ass.

Ken: Oh thank you. I need to make a collect call.

Ken: Oh, the number's 62 --

Operator: At the tone, please state your name.

Ken: Ken Kaniff, from Connecticut...automated piece of shit.

Ǝ: Yo.

Ken: Hey there cockboy

Ǝ: Who's this?

Ken: This is Ken Kaniff.

Ǝ: Who?

Ken: Ken Kaniff from Connecticut, little bitch.

Ǝ: From Connecticut?

Ken: Yeah you wanna get a --

Ǝ: I don't know nobody in Connecticut

Ken: You wanna get a hotel room with me?

Ǝ: A hotel room?

Ken: Yeah, you want me to lick your ass, Eminem?

Ǝ: Ha, yo, wh-- who is this? Cage?

Ken: You want me to fuckin' melt in your mouth and not in your hand? Melt in your ass, ya little cockboy?

Ǝ: Yo shut up you little bitch

Ken: Oh you think I'm lyin', huh?

Ǝ: Haha

"Buy U A Beer"[]

[Intro]
[girl + Aristotle]
Fuck a-bunga
Oh my god, who is that? Oh hell yeah, oh yeah
Is that who I think it is?
You know who this is?
Oh my gosh, it's Ken Kaniff! I can't believe he's in my class!
Oh hell yeah... oh yeah
I wonder if he has a girlfriend

[Verse 1]
Okay I'm still in high school and I'll be lucky to pass
I'm real good at most subjects but I'm sucky at math (Do you need some help with that?)
My algebra class is past the last door on your left
At the end of the hallway near the bottom of the steps
And when I get to class late, there's nothin' but shit
I get insulted by my teachers just for runnin' my lip
I'm just tryin' to spit game to ninth-grade hoes
Writin' love letters and notes with X's and O's
Like this one girl who sat next to me at a desk
I knew she liked me 'cause she would let me cheat off her test
And she was kind of cute, but her tits ain't developed
'The time she's sixteen, I bet them shit swell up
We exchanged numbers so I called her on the phone
Her mom picked up and I said, "Is Jennifer home?"
She was screamin' and yellin', "Now how old are you?"
"Old enough to buy your daughter a cold case of brew"

[Chorus]
I'm twenty-one, I've been in high school for six years
The only thing I learned is how to buy you a beer
When you're standin' in line, buyin' a Three Musketeers
I'm right behind you tryin' to buy you a beer
I bet your cheerleader friends try to tell you I'm weird
There's nothin' wrong with tryin' to buy you a beer
And when your tits grow big and your zits disappear
Me and you can celebrate with a six-pack of beer

[Verse 2]
Now what the fuck is wrong with takin' bitches out for a drink?
They got a mind of their own, screw what their parents will think
I’m Ken Kaniff, I like my pussy young and fresh
I’m off soft warm women with them B-cup breasts
If it ain’t an A-cup or a white sports bra
I’m beggin' an 8th-grader to hit it raw, dawg
Yo, it ain’t my fault that I’m in Algebra II
With these freshman women who be fiendin' for brew
See all I do is take ‘em out, I buy ‘em a beer
It ain’t my fault, when they get home, their panties disappear
Their parents stay asking ‘em who got them drunk
But they forgot to ask who fucked them in the back of the trunk
And that was me, Connecticut-born, star-porn
Nine inches, thick like a stock of corn
So next time your high school kid’s in my class
You’ll know why your cupboard’s missin' a glass

[Chorus]
I'm twenty-one, I've been in high school for six years
The only thing I learned is how to buy you a beer
When you're standin' in line, buyin' a Three Musketeers
I'm right behind you tryin' to buy you a beer
I bet your cheerleader friends try to tell you I'm weird
There's nothin' wrong with tryin' to buy you a beer
And when your tits grow big and your zits disappear
Me and you can celebrate with a six-pack of beer

[Verse 3]
All the senior girls hate me ‘cause I pay them no mind
You ain’t in ninth grade baby, then you’re wastin' my time
At a grammar school it ain’t drank once in your life
Suckin' forty bottles like dicks on homework night
I like ‘em five foot three, less than a hundred pounds
With the beer belly rock hard solid around
You see I found this one chick with nipples and tits
That look brown and taste good like Kibbles 'n Bits
She used to suck my corona till the lime was gone
Her shit’s the bomb, I had her in bikini and thongs
But we never fucked ‘cause that shit’s against the law
'kay, I’m lyin', I just didn't want the cops involved
Yeah we boned, so what? I only hit it one time
It can’t be illegal to say that in a rhyme
It’s not like I’m twenty-nine, I’m still in high school
Bottom dollar every freshman girl says I rule

[Interlude]
[girl]
You guys, he rules. He made me feel so special. He called me his special old girl and everything. He took me out and bought me a beer. We had so much fun, I wish you guys could've come. It was so awesome

[Chorus]
I’m twenty-one I’ve been in high school for six years
The only thing I learned is how to buy you a beer
When you’re standin' in line, buyin' a three musketeers
I’m right behind you tryin' to buy you a beer
I bet your cheerleadin' friends try to tell you I’m weird
There’s nothin' wrong with me tryin' to buy you a beer
And when your tits grow big and your zits disappear
Me and you can celebrate with a six-pack of beer

(Oh hell yeah...oh yeah)

"Ken Is Krazy"[]

[Intro]
Yeah
Check it out

[Verse 1]
Yo, I ain't mad at you
For leavin' me to the hands of another man
Girl, I'm your #1 fan
I only want the best unless you decide to try me
and you again with a different type vibe
But I can't get that one thought outta my head:
You suckin' his dick in my house on my bed
It made me want to blow out both of your brains
And watch your fuckin' flesh bleed like a vulture in pain!
It's driving me insane to think that you could leave me
And listen to his lies, and not believe me!
Alright cool, I'm calming myself down
Relax
Serenity now, serenity now
Yeah, breathe deep
Huff one, huff two
I want to repair everything and trust you
I'm not a monster, I'm just a man in love
I want to go back to back rubs, joys and hugs

[Chorus]
Ken Kaniff
Ken Kaniff is crazy
(Say) Ken Kaniff, Ken Kaniff
Ken Kaniff is crazy
Ken Kaniff
Ken Kaniff is crazy
Say crazy (Ken Kaniff)
Ken Kaniff is crazy

[Verse 2]
I ain't trippin' on the way that you left me
And test me
If it's also a crime call the cops and arrest me
I ain't forgot about the way that it was
Spendin' hours on the telephone
Hella in love
But if I think about the way we used to talk
Then I think about the way you used to say I stalk!
But I ain't stalked you, I just followed your car!
To your mother's house, and the school, and to the bar
And when you got out and you gave him a kiss
And had his fuckin' tongue in your mouth and shit
Yo, that didn't make me mad
I ain't mad at all!
Alright I got to kick myself before I fall
Cool
Honey I still like you
And if I still have a wedding in the future, then imma invite you
I'm totally over, like, everything that happened
I love you
I feel a lot better when I'm rappin'

[Chorus]
Ken Kaniff
Ken Kaniff is crazy
(Say) Ken Kaniff, Ken Kaniff
Ken Kaniff is crazy
Ken Kaniff
Ken Kaniff is crazy
Say crazy (Ken Kaniff)
Ken Kaniff is crazy

[Verse 3]
I love you I hate you
I just don't know
Every now and again I feel imma blow
I used to think, looking at you, that you so pretty
I never thought in my life I'd feel this shitty
Damn, look at me, I'm all alone
I ain't got a wifey or a girl to bone
I remember late nights at my house
When we used to fuck around and I'd eat you out
But now, if we had to do it again
I bet your pussy's loose fuckin' all those men!
Slut!
Cause you fuckin' cheated on me!
And want to turn around and fuckin' blame it on me?
Bitch, shit!
I ain't having that this time!
I bleed on the inside and lose my mind!
I'm out of control, beyond bein' pissed off!
(Body found dead with her head ripped off)

[Chorus]
Ken Kaniff
Ken Kaniff is crazy
(Say) Ken Kaniff, Ken Kaniff
Ken Kaniff is crazy
Ken Kaniff
Ken Kaniff is crazy
Say crazy (Ken Kaniff)
Ken Kaniff is crazy

"Super Ken"[]

This song is likely a parody of "Superman" (Track 13) of The Eminem Show, but with a different tune.

[Chorus]
Look up in the sky
It's a bird, it's a plane
It's a man with a cape, and a beard, and a cane
And a tank top, shorts with a bulge in his pants
This is Ken, it's Kaniff, this is me, Superman

Look up in the sky
It's a bird, it's a plane
It's a man with a cape, and a beard, and a cane
And a tank top, shorts with a bulge in his pants
This is Ken, it's Kaniff, this is me, Superman

[Verse 1]
I walk around town with some red boots with a blue shirt:
My apparel to do work
And do dirt while your crew hurts to see
A "K" in the sky (Why?)
For emergency, an urgency
When in a sticky situation
No, I mean that, look, a sticky situation
Like your all alone and you're sitting watching cable
At your mom's house magazines on the table
Porno mags with f*gs and chicks with dicks
But you don't care 'cause you're by yourself watching flicks
So you start stroking (oh)
And you keep stroking (oh)
And you jack your dick off so hard it feels broken (Ow!)
The friction from your hand
The cock starts smoking
A fire breaks out, and all the windows ain't open
That's where I come in, get it?
And then I cum
I put the fire out with my nine-inch gun
Nine inches when it's hard, but when it's not
It kind of looks like a freckle on the side of my jock
But anyways, Ken Kaniff savin' the day
I'm out to the next crime, G, take it away...
(Oh my God. Shit! Look in the fuckin' sky, man!)

[Chorus]
Look up in the sky
It's a bird, it's a plane
It's a man with a cape, and a beard, and a cane
And a tank top, shorts with a bulge in his pants
This is Ken, it's Kaniff, this is me, Superman

Look up in the sky
It's a bird, it's a plane
It's a man with a cape, and a beard, and a cane
And a tank top, shorts with a bulge in his pants
This is Ken, it's Kaniff, this is me, Superman

[Verse 2]
I'm not the X-Men, Wolverine, Mighty Mouse, nah
I'm the illest southpaw crimefighter y'all saw
I remember this time when this chick was walkin' home
From school with three perpetrators tryin' to bone
So they approached her, and they scoped her
And then Kaniff came through and that's something they ain't hope for
I let 'em rape her and jack her for paper
It kinda adds comedy to this little caper
But later, after everything went down
I put on my little outfit, cruised the town
And then I found, stopped 'em, circled all around 'em
Put 'em in a single file line to pound 'em
Downed 'em, to their knees, eased their pain
And stuck my dick so far in their ass it hit brain
Three dudes lay asleep on the cement
And I repent for the crimes of these women and men
It's kind of crazy being who I am
A rapper/crime fighter in the thick of a jack
But anyways Ken Kaniff savin' the day
I'm out to the next crime, G take it away...
(Who can keep you company up there?)

[Chorus]
Look up in the sky
It's a bird, it's a plane
It's a man with a cape, and a beard, and a cane
And a tank top, shorts with a bulge in his pants
This is Ken, it's Kaniff, this is me, Superman

Look up in the sky
It's a bird, it's a plane
It's a man with a cape, and a beard, and a cane
And a tank top, shorts with a bulge in his pants
This is Ken, it's Kaniff, this is me, Superman

Look up in the sky
It's a bird, it's a plane
It's a man with a cape, and a beard, and a cane
And a tank top, shorts with a bulge in his pants
This is Ken, it's Kaniff, this is me, Superman

Look up in the sky
It's a bird, it's a plane
It's a man with a cape, and a beard, and a cane
And a tank top, shorts with a bulge in his pants
This is Ken, it's Kaniff, this is me, Superman

"Dotcom"[]

[Intro]
Excuse me...may I have your attention? For the --
Shut the fuck up!
Little bitch
Will the real Ken Kaniff please sit the fuck down? Yo

[Verse 1]
The real Ken is back and that's me
The other Ken Kaniff, the one that starts with an "E"?
He ain't O-G, yo, he always kinda shady and slim
Severin' ties with me because I had a baby with Kim
And Dawn, her twin sister, yo I fucked her too
And she sucked Dean's dick dog and that's the truth
And she only got one tooth and that's no lie
I think he killed Dawn in the song Bonnie and Clyde
But yo, let's go about The Slim Shady LP
And see that track 12 was performed by me
But I ain't cryin' about it yo 'cause I'm tellin' the truth
I'm cool with Eminem, my bad, his real name's "Bruce"
Now you know that sorry I ought to burst your bubble
But this whole song's going to get my ass in trouble
I'm a codependent schizophrenic white boy too
I ain't dyed my hair cause Karen told me to

[Chorus]
Dotcom is somethin' to drop bombs on the World Wide Web
Basically because I'm...
Doin' for the children, doin' it for the kids
Because the average age of my fanbase is six
With a dick that's hung like a horse
The same pricks that are the main reason for your cousin's divorce
With a knave, doves, sacks, and dimes on the World Wide Web
Basically cause I'm...

[Verse 2]
Alright an ace barb verse and what's worse?
Every other fuckin' word will be a motherfuckin' curse
Cause this ain't for the radio, I made this shit for Napster
For hacker bastards and the Internet masters
I used to be signed to Web
But money don't make you happy and fame fucks with your head
But look, Sony five-fifty is just shifty
My girlfriend strokes me better than those sissies
And she can tell you that Kaniff is crazed
Well-endowed and proud to be stuck in his ways
Hey, whatever happened to Royce da 5'9"?
I think he got dropped from Tommy Boy before he was signed
I guess bad met evil and he lost his mind
Him and the Far Eyes should take time and write some rhymes
And that Aristotle guy is kind of nice with his
I'll let him spit the next verse and ride on these kids

[Chorus]
Dotcom is somethin' to drop bombs on the World Wide Web
Basically because I'm...
For the children, doin' it for the kids
Because the average age of my fanbase is six
With a dick that's hung like a horse
The same pricks that are the main reason for your cousin's divorce
With a knave, doves, sacks, and dimes on the World Wide Web
Basically cause I'm...

[Verse 3]
Listen to me
Spit while you talk and piss on a tree
I'll mentioned to be asleep while the mission's complete
Release the hounds out on Dr. Dre
And find his arm and his legs about a block away from each other
'Cause when you die, you're going to hell
Your most recent tracks bang cause they're made by Mel
And if it ain't a sample, well, then the shit won't sell
You'll have Markey and Jeffrey play the drums and bells
As for me and these tracks? Yo, we made it from scratch
There ain't no "chicka chicka", yo, cause that shit sounds wack
Bring it back, don't rap about crack 'cause that's sketchy
I ain't got to hold my nose to make my voice sound catchy
I just got to be me and y'all see
From Ken Kaniff to Aristot- and -L-E
And pretty much there ain't nothing else to say
I'm a selfish patient who needs help today!

[Chorus]
Dotcom is somethin' to drop bombs on the World Wide Web
Basically because I'm...
For the children, doin' it for the kids
Because the average age of my fanbase is six
With a dick that's hung like a horse
The same pricks that are the main reason for your cousin's divorce
With a knave, doves, sacks, and dimes on the World Wide Web
Basically cause I'm...

Dotcom is somethin' to drop bombs on the World Wide Web
Basically because I'm...
For the children, doin' it for the kids
Because the average age of my fanbase is six
With a dick that's hung like a horse
The same pricks that are the main reason for your cousin's divorce
With a knave, doves, sacks, and dimes on the World Wide Web
Basically cause I'm...

"Wanna Be (Skit)"[]

[Mr. Buttworth, Ken Kaniff, and kid]
Good morning boys and girls, I'm your substitute teacher
My name is Mr. Buttworth
Oh fuck yeah

The topic for today: What you would like to be when you grow up

You, over there in the jean shirt
What you wanna be when you grow up?
I would like to be a police officer
Oh what a bitch

All right, that's a pretty good profession
You over there in the black shirt
Me?
What you wanna be when you grow up?

I wanna be a fireman
What a pussy
All right, that's a pretty good profession too

You in the back with those French braids
Me?
What's your name?
Uh, my name is Ken
What you wanna be when you grow up?
I wanna be a motherfuckin' gynecologist, you better ask somebody

"Kreep Wit Me"[]

[Chorus]
Kreep wit me
Kreep wit me
Kreep wit me as I stroll through the hood
Maniac on the loose, call me Ken Eastwood

Kreep wit me (bitch)
Kreep wit me, yo
Kreep wit me as I stroll through the hood
Maniac on the loose, call me Ken Eastwood

[Verse 1]
It's Sunday night, about eleven o'clock
Headed to Jack-in-the-Box because I'm ready to rock
A #5 meal laced with fries and Dr. Pepper
It's cold outside, hell I'm glad I brought a sweater (yeah)
I'll put it on in a minute 'cause right now I'm at the drive-thru
Rollin' my windows down

"How ya doin' tonight?"

Um I'd like a #5
With Dr. Pepper, lotsa ice, jumbo-size

"Alright, #7, your total's $4.80"

No, a #5, what's the problem? Are you crazy?
Look, just get the order right
Don't be such a dope

"I got it, #5, jumbo-size the Coke!"

You're pissin' me off man, I ordered Dr. Pepper
I'm drivin' to the window

"Sir wait!"

Man whatever
This minimum wage motherfucker's makin' me ill
Man I'm starvin'
Fuck around and get killed

[Chorus]
Kreep wit me (yeah)
Kreep wit me (bitch)
Kreep wit me as I stroll through the hood
Maniac on the loose, call me Ken Eastwood

Kreep wit me (bitch)
Kreep wit me (you can do it)
Kreep wit me as I stroll through the hood
Maniac on the loose, call me Ken Eastwood

[Verse 2]
I pull up to the window and this kid pops up
He's kinda cute but I already busted a nut
He says, "$4.80 for your change, right in the tray"
And then he hands me a meal and I start speedin' away
I took a bite of my burger and I'm lovin' this shit
I'm bouta wash this bitch down so I lunge for a sip
What the fuck dawg? This kid at the window gave me a Sprite
So I busted a U-turn and sped through the light
I'm back at the Box now and I step through the door
The kid recognizes me

"Hey, aren't you that guy from before?"

Yeah bitch
I hopped the counter and I grabbed me a spork
I stabbed the punk in the neck and started killin' the dork
I read his name tag, Doofy, I spit in his face
I'm pourin' Dr. Pepper from me, and jetted the place
All this for a soda with some extra ice
And some parents had to have their kid lose his life

[Chorus]
Kreep wit me (yeah)
Kreep wit me (bitch)
Kreep wit me as I stroll through the hood
Maniac on the loose, call me Ken Eastwood

Kreep wit me
Kreep wit me
Kreep wit me as I stroll through the hood
Maniac on the loose, call me Ken Eastwood (Eastwood)

[Outro]
Kreep wit me (yeah)
Kreep wit me (You know what you gotta do, right?)
Kreep wit me

"Palmela Handerson"[]

A song that Ken wrote about his hand.

[Intro]
Ken Kaniff, yeah, with another fuckin' love song
Yo drop that beat Gelow, yeah, boom
I'm watching Baywatch, right?
Pamela Anderson, fuck yeah
I wrote a song about my hand
About Palmela Handerson, yo

[Verse 1]
I met this girl named Palmela she's doper than shit
And with the curves on her body man I'm hoping she fits
I open this bitch and ask her who you bringin' along?
Her five little homegirls rockin' skirts and a thong
It's kind of funny with her 'cause it's all about sex
Manually one-handed like I'm working her neck
I'm jerkin' a sweat under bedsheets and clothes
'Cause Palmela can make me cum better than anyone knows!
She zips to my G spot she rocks and won't stop
On my mushroom head on the tip of my cock
I'm like Samuel L. Jackson 'cause she's all on my shaft
Catching my breath before I splash all on her ass
She's got the tightest lips suckin' me and blowin' my dick
Her lipstick looks like fingernail polish and shit
I'm in love like a motherfucker, number one fan
Of Palmela Handerson: the name of my hand

[Chorus]
I ain't need another women for the rest of my life
Because my hand makes me cum faster than my ex-wife
Lookin' for a chicken head across the land
When the best sex comes from the palm of your hand

I ain't need another woman for the rest of my life
Because my hand makes me cum faster than my ex-wife
Lookin' for a chicken head across the land
When the best sex comes from the palm of your hand

[Verse 2]
Palmela, not Pamela, but Palmela Lee
Middle name "Handerson" for those followin' me
Late we get kinky with the Vaseline jar
Jackin' me pushing pedals than a gasoline car
But sometimes I ain't even pop a wood
I cum when I'm not hard 'cause dog she's that good
The best thing about it is that she'll never leave me
At my instant and every disposal, believe me
It's kind of like we're married but without the big hassle
I know her family and they're a bunch of bitch assholes
Palmela's my left hand, her sister's my right
And her parents abandoned her, kicked her out of her sight
Now Palmela mine, dog, she's my girl
She loves my Limp Bizkit and the Jam of my Pearl
She always stays shaved and bathed for my pleasure
A man's left hand is his number one treasure

[Chorus]
I ain't need another women for the rest of my life
Because my hand makes me cum faster than my ex-wife
Looking for a chicken head across the land
When the best sex comes from the palm of your hand

I ain't need another women for the rest of my life
Because my hand makes me cum faster than my ex-wife
Lookin' for a chicken head across the land
When the best sex comes from the palm of your hand

"Babysitter"[]

[Verse 1]
Hi, is Ken home? I was callin' 'bout a job
Yeah, this is Ken, how ya doing?
What you want?
Well, I'm doing fine, thanks for asking
Stop laughin'
I'm sorry, I've just never heard a voice with your passion
Anyways what you callin' 'bout, and what you need?
Well, I read your ad in the paper and thought that you could be
A qualified babysitter for my daughter Katy
Who, Hailie?
No, Katy!
Shit, that sounds shady
Sir, I just...
I know what you want; fine, I'll do it
How old is baby Katy? Does she feed on baby fluid?
Does she use a pacifier?
Cuz I got one that's attached to the middle of my legs
And I'll put it in her snatch and I'll even...
Hey, what the fuck are you talkin' about?
You wanna put your dick in my six year-old daughters mouth?
What the hell? Shit, I'm hanging up the phone! Leave me alone!
Wait I'm sorry; hold on! Aww, shit, dial tone!

[Chorus x2]
If you're a father with kids ages sixteen to six
There's a babysitter out on the prowl lookin' for kids
He's not armed at all but considered quite dangerous
Warn your children, tell 'em stay away from strangers

[Verse 2]
Hello?
Hi, sorry about that
How'd you get this number?
*69, dumb fuck, it works wonders
I wonder, I met a girl named Katy last summer, at a slumber party
Hardly sixteen or younger, under-aged just the way I like 'em
Wait, you like 'em?
I love 'em, fuck I can't get enough of 'em
Actually, Katy, does she go to Elementary?
Yeah, at that...
One school 'cross the penitentiary
How'd you know, rapist, sick, perverted stalker?
Leave me and my daughter alone before I call the cop!
No don't bother, sucker, I got your baby hooked
And I scope her out from school sometimes when you don't look!
Forget about it sir, do you want me to babysit?
Fuck no! Are you out of your mind, you crazy shit?!
Now look, you called me; I'm just talkin' to kill time
I'm a babysitter
Nah, you're out of your mind

[Chorus x2]
If you're a father with kids ages sixteen to six
There's a babysitter out on the prowl lookin' for kids
He's not armed at all but considered quite dangerous
Warn your children, tell 'em stay away from strangers

[Verse 3]
Put your daughter on the phone and see if she recognizes
Please, leave me alone, this is turning into a crisis!
You're telling me, basically my daughter was molested by some sick fuck like you?!
Look, I'm having you arrested!
It's not ok, my daughter's not six and a half
Don't you get it, motherfucker?! What's your problem?! Don't laugh!
Even if you're jokin' this shit's still not funny!
You're smokin'; chill out, dawg! I'm playing with you, dummy!
Oh, you're joking? Thank God! I thought you were being real!
I almost had a heart attack, but now I feel a whole lot better!
Well, you shouldn't, cuz I fucked her
Wait, who?
Your daughter, in a dumpster, motherfucker!
I'm never gonna change, got that? Better accept it
Wait, what about my daughter?
Bottom line, she was molested
I can't believe that people like you really exist!
Well we do, and we sell albums too, you little bitch!

[Chorus x2]
If you're a father with kids ages sixteen to six
There's a babysitter out on the prowl lookin' for kids
He's not armed at all but considered quite dangerous
Warn your children, tell 'em stay away from strangers

"Karolyn"[]

"Perfect Mix"[]

"Boy Is Mine"[]

"Vato"[]

"Without You"[]

"Without You" is the final track of The Ken Kaniff Show and a parody of "Without Me" from The Eminem Show.

[Aristotle]
Cause, I'm not saying it about Dre, you know what I mean, Eminem whatever

[Ken Kaniff]
Hey dude, hey dude. Dude. Dude! Don't even trip dude. Fuck Dre!

Obie trice, Em's gimmick, bit-

Intro
One blonde-haired rapper likes it inside, likes it inside, likes it inside
One blonde-haired rapper likes it inside, likes it inside, likes it inside, yeeeaaaah
Guess who's back, back again?
Ken is back, tell some men
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back
Guess who's back
Ooooooooh yeah
Ooooooooh yeeeah

Verse 1
A-tisket a-tasket, man I get my ass licked
By little Slim baby, he's obsessed with f****ts
Obies mad that Eminem's an addict
Proof's getting jealous, so he signed to Maverick
Boy bands rule, man I love Kirkpatrick
And Timberlake too, now that Britney passed it
Elton John's cute, for an older bastard
I shouldn't talk about your boyfriend like that, Slim
I'm back di di di da da da daddy day
I saw you holding hands the other night with Dr. Dre
What you? Cause then you know what I'm telling
You're a bitch with no clip in your gun, you ain't a felon
Ken Kaniff kid, got you screaming who's real
8 mile then, and now you live in Bluefield
This is over, man I'm done, its outro
Another diss song that will rip your asshole

Chorus
Now this looks like another job for Ken
So everybody, women and men
Scream, shout it out loud now, "FUCK YOU SLIM!"
Cause my voice sounds wack when its done by him

Now this looks like another job for Ken
So everybody, women and men
Scream, shout it out loud now, "FUCK YOU SLIM!"
Cause my voice sounds wack when its done by him

Verse 2
Fuck Eminem, Mel-Man, Xzibit and Dre
Two thousand and trey, all hell dissing away
I'm still a barfly, motherfucker siphon in starlight
Black rappers hate me like a honkey with the foureyes
Alright D12, double personality
6 MC's on a one person salary
I know it sounds bizarre and Bizarre's just a bitch
Nobody knows why Slim Shady signed Swift
Detroit, oh shit, that's a scary place to live
Its way worse than Los Angeles where everyone's a critic
8 Mile, 9 Mile, that's hella complicated
The way you making sure people don't get lost when they're faded
I'm sick of the bullshit, let's bury the gats
I just drank a fifth of vodka, dare me to rap?
I'm off this track, I'm pointing a finger at you
Call Dido and Spawn by singing a tune

Chorus
Now this looks like another job for Ken
So everybody, women and men
Scream, shout it out loud now, "FUCK YOU SLIM!"
Cause my voice sounds wack when its done by him

Now this looks like another job for Ken
So everybody, women and men
Scream, shout it out loud now, "FUCK YOU SLIM!"
Cause my voice sounds wack when its done by him

Verse 3
Ken Kaniff is what Eminem isn't
Another white rapper, that ain't like Limp Bizkit
This is bitch shit, you're a punk to risk it
Come over to Connecticut and get your wrists slit
For real now, you ain't gotta rap to talk it
Your baby mother's fat, and she runs your pocket
7 platinum, but you signed to Weber
Your moneys fucked up, dip down in the red
Eminem's gay, I'm a homosex
But Eminem's played, I don't know what's next
Ya'll I'm on my period and ovulating
Shut the fuck up, you're a bitch Miss Shady
Come on f*gs hit me for the shit I'm talking
I got your whole fan base going and jacking
Feeling what I spit, when I diss the icon
And get your ass fucked, by an orange pylon

Chorus
Now this looks like another job for Ken
So everybody, women and men
Scream, shout it out loud now, "FUCK YOU SLIM!"
Cause my voice sounds whack when its done by him
Now this looks like another job for Ken

So everybody, women and men
Scream, shout it out loud now, "FUCK YOU SLIM!"
Cause my voice sounds whack when its done by him

Outro
Aww, yeah
C'mon, come over here, Eminem
Imma give you a milk chocolate
Let me slide up in that Hershey highway
JD was telling me about how you and Dre used to get fucking naked at the hotel and suck each others cocks
Black white, looked like a fucking vanilla yogurt twist or something like that
Come on bitch, come here bitch, you're just a bitch
Ken Kaniff, fuck you
And everybody you roll with
Come on Dre, I'll turn you out, call me
Call me, I'll suck your cock, I'll plug your booty hole
And you talk all the shit anymore
Come on, make it happen
And suck Ken's cock, baby
You know you want to
You want to suck on the shaft of my penis and lick my balls
And lick the cum while it squirts out, get your ass pregnant or something...

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